As I begin to feel out this blog once more, I realize I want to give you readers here a glimpse into who I am beyond the blindness. While I do plan to do this with YouTube videos as well, some things can’t be scheduled, and today’s experience was one of them.
Meet anxiety. A constant companion, if not a steadfast friend.
The medication I take to forestall this turbulent ocean of emotion from taking over my mind isn’t safe for Young Sir to be exposed to, and therefore, I’ve abandoned taking it on doctor’s orders. The end result is a mind existing upon a foundation of quicksand.
Anxiety was my name today. Anxiety was my breath. Anxiety was my lover, embracing me and luring me into its destructive arms against all better judgement. Anxiety is like falling in love with the wrong person: a relentless descent into something beyond one’s control without any idea how to stop it from taking all and leaving nothing.
Anxiety fed upon my inability to find anywhere for covid testing before my travel today. All the sites I searched are either #inaccessible, claim their tests have no garunteed turn around time, or don’t offer information on how those tests will be delivered. Nobody is answering their phones. Everywhere wants an appointment I can’t be certain will be of any use to me. I have strictures I need to follow in order to leave this country, and it feels like none of the places that are supposed to care do. It feels like one enormous circus with me as a monkey being forced to cartwheel through hoops for a simple result.
I feel stonewalled, trapped, and like I’m not going to be able to visit my Rosie in Germany at the end of the month. Around here, this process has been made virtually impossible, and I cannot afford to pay a Lyft driver to ferry me around until I find somewhere that will provide me with straight answers. I am at a loss and do not know what to do anymore.
I cannot find the right in this today, my Treasures. I cannot find the halo. I can only see the rough seas and ominous clouds.
Maybe everything is right about just being human.
I just wish it felt right instead of fifty shades of wrong.
Such are the struggles of one suffering from the insideous disorder of anxiety. There are days when it is easy to beat back. I’ve made so much progress in my thinking since I last posted regularly.
And then there are days such as this, when I unveil my vulnerabilities to show you that I’m just a woman. I’m blind, I struggle with anxiety, and little issues can turn into raging oceans I don’t know how to tame. And that’s okay. Every challenge seeks to teach us something. I’m not sure what the lesson in this struggle is yet, but I’m glad I can find out with Treasures like you supporting the journey.
Sirena Rayleeta Lind 